I spent the majority of the day a nervous wreck! I took my time getting ready before heading down with the kids. After playing with the babies, joining the staff for chai, and then heading into the middle section to play with more kids, the nerves were still there. If anything, they’d only increased in number! I remained with the kids through lunch, helped feed them and get them settled down for a nap, yet the nerves still remained.
By the time I got upstairs and looked at the clock, I had four hours until the “girls” were supposed to arrive. I had no idea how many or who was even coming! This was going to be the first time we “all” (however many that meant) met together and I just didn’t know what to expect. I knew the ages would range between 18-24, but beyond that, everything was a mystery. I had so much anxiety about it, it was ridiculous! You know those times where God is opening up a door but the devil is trying to slam it shut with doubt and fear? Yeah, this was one of those times. Praise God that no one can shut what He has opened! But man is the mental battle a tough one when it comes to trusting God through those opened doors!
How was the night going to go? Who was going to come? Will this be a success? Will this be the start of some great relationships? There were so many questions plaguing my mind.
Six o’clock, that’s the time we’d said, but as six o’clock came and went, I found myself more nervous than before. Shocked is one thing I shouldn’t have been. Set times mean very little here, and it’s not necessarily a bad thing, but when you’re nerves are already on end…well, it’s not exactly fun!
I had almost resigned myself to the feelings of fear and rejection as seven o’clock rolled around until a familiar face popped up in my kitchen window. One of the girls had arrived! There were two more who followed shortly after. Once again my nerves were on end. My stomach felt like it was rising into my throat! What did Satan not want me to experience?!
I had made homemade pizzas, yet as we sat eating them it was awkwardly silent. I didn’t have a clue what to start talking about – my nerves were taking over! I was a miserable wreck inside with Satan telling me lies that I couldn’t do it and it was all a bust. What a bum. We finished eating and then it happened, an unexpected lesson.
The girls put on some Kenyan music and began dancing around my apartment. I awkwardly sat out opting to take pictures of them as they danced. Yet I knew that sitting out wasn’t going to help me build relationships. So when they asked me to join, even though I felt stupid, I tried. I felt awkward the entire time…it didn’t get easier for me. But if that is what it was going to take to build relationships then I knew I was just going to have to push through.
The rest of the night was a lot of fun. I can’t say that my African dance moves were very good, but I’m sure I was nothing short of entertaining! It didn’t hit me until the following afternoon as I was journaling about our overnighter together the lesson God was teaching me.
I’m here for such a short time, one year. And while that may sound long and feel really long each and every day that I’m here, it’s really not that long. And because of that, I can’t hold back! I don’t want to look back on my time here and wish I would’ve done more, experienced more, or tried harder to push through. Yeah, it’s gonna feel really awkward some days and I’m not going to know what I’m doing most of the time, but I didn’t come here to be comfortable.
I want to find myself secure in Jesus, not safe in comfort.
I know who I am in Christ and that He has called me here and that alone should give me the boldness I need to push through and give my very best. I don’t need to feel “safe” and “comfortable”, I just need to know that I don’t face each day alone.
Last week I danced like a fool and it was beautiful!
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