The imperfect days of imperfect me...

6:00 a.m. and I found myself awake yesterday morning, which is not such an unusual time for me to be up.  My alarm had not yet gone off, set for 6:10.  You know those moments when you rustle awake minutes before your alarm and it feels like a great injustice, like you’ve somehow been deprived of hours of precious sleep?  Well, yesterday felt like that.  Laying there for a few extra moments, my brain began running through the day ahead.  “What do I need to work on today?  Can I just take the morning off?  Is it really time to start another day?  It’s so hot out, I would give anything just to stay inside, turn on the aircon and watch a good movie.”  A few more moments later, “okay Kristy, get up and get to it!”

Quite literally rolling out of bed, I managed to swing my feet under me with just enough time to keep the rest of me from face planting onto the floor.  Everything felt exhausting.  Trying to wrap my head around what I was doing, I began to get ready for my morning kickboxing routine.  Jillian Michaels on DVD at 6:10 in the morning is sometimes motivating and other times, well, I just want to throw my computer up against the wall!  After all, I was already sweating from the humidity that had rolled in thick into my room from the outside, did I really need to add to it by throwing punches, kicks, and enduring what felt like an endless regime of sit-ups and push-ups?  Ugh…

With the workout done and sweat pouring off my body creating a small puddle on the floor (gross, I know), I laid back on the hard floorboards wishing for my never-ending “to do” list to be done.  Working out is supposed to give you endorphins, right?  Endorphins make you happy and give energy, yes?  Something was clearly lacking!!!  The heat of the day was already beginning to feel like too much and I hadn’t even stepped foot outside my house yet!  Oh geez, here we go!

You know, to go back and read all of that, I’m kind of exhausted.  But don’t some days feel just like that?  Ever have those moments when you want to throw in the towel before you’ve even pulled it off the shelf yet?  Fast forward through the rest of my morning routine, I got showered, got ready and finally began to make my way on bicycle downtown.  Knowing I’d be a sweaty mess in a matter of seconds, I gave up quickly on trying to dry my hair and get it looking decent for the day - pulled back in a bun with humidity frizzing it out of control is what I like to call the look I was rocking yesterday.  It mattered little to me as sweat began covering my forehead as I pedaled.  Finally making it to Bravery, the Bicycle Shop Cafe training center I spend much of my time at, not even ten minutes had passed upon my arrival when…power outage, town wide.  What is happening?!  What are these days that feel so relentless in their start?  What is the lesson here???  Cause that’s the first thing we do when things go “wrong”, right?  “God, what are you trying to teach me here?”  But whose to say this day was going “wrong”?  Maybe it’s just a day that was going different than I expected it to.

On my ride in and even after I arrived at Braverly, I put in my headphones to play some worship music.  I was trying hard to get my head in a different space.  But to be honest, I wasn’t feeling it.  If anything, it felt like more work to try and get my head lifted up into a different space, a different perspective.  I didn’t want to mess with it, I literally just wanted to turn around, go back home and crawl back into bed.  That may sound downright depressing to read, but I’m just being raw and honest here.  Not every day comes easy or looks perfect.  No matter where you’re at in the world, these days just happen.  These days where everything feels hard or exhausting.  These days where all you want to do is lay out in a hammock under a cool shade tree with a mango smoothie and Netflix (dang that sounds amazing right now).  These days where you don’t want to have to think about or do anything.  These days where your emotions feel on edge because you’re brain is too exhausted to keep them in check.  These days where it would be so easy to adopt the mindset of “I don’t care” with every decision that needs made or project that needs done.

I’d love to tell you the day was totally redeemed yesterday, that I picked myself up, shook off the tired and exhausted feelings and emotions, and got done everything I wanted to.  But that’s just not how the day went.  It was an okay day overall.  I mean, I spent time getting some work done.  I went motorbike shopping with a few of my teammates and actually made a purchase!  (Yep, I own a motorbike).  And I settled in for a quiet evening at home.  But all day long, my head was simply not in it - my emotions felt raw and worn out, and the day just kind of drug on.

So today, I was determined to take a different approach.  It being my day off, I decided to focus in on things that were going to re-energize me, speak purpose over me, and really just breath life.  And while my head may have been in a better space, let me tell you of the twists and turns!

My body feeling exhausted, I couldn’t bring myself to do my morning workout.  All fine and good.  I don’t mind missing out on one day of my routine.  But follow that up with an unexpected house visit and things began to get interesting.  As it turns out, my landlord has been showing the house we’re currently living in to others (nothing too unusual there).  Well, today, the couple whose been looking at the house stopped by to inform me that she just sold it to them and they’re hoping to move in soon.  Wow… okay, not what I expected on this day.  Still, it’s fine, Jesus is in this and I’ve no doubt He will provide.  So, continuing on with the day, I decided to watch a few videos on how to drive a motorbike (you know, since I bought one but don’t know how to drive it yet) and then decided to go outside and give it a go.  I recognize that to some of you, that may sound crazy and like an awful idea.  And obviously there’s an element of being wise not stupid in going about this.  But I live in a quiet neighborhood and planned to just take it slow, getting used to the bike beneath me.  And starting off it went fantastic.  I felt a bit wobbly and was fighting back some fear, but overall my ride was smooth.  Then it was about my third turn in that I lost my balance sending myself and the motorbike toppling over.  And this wouldn’t have even been so bad except that when I went to pick it back up, I didn’t think about the fact that my right hand grabbed the accelerator sending the bike lunging forward with me not even on it!  Oh if you could see how red my face is even typing that here.  What an incredibly embarrassing moment and certainly a shot to my pride.  And to top it all off, I cracked the front part of my motorbike (the covering over part of my front tire).  You see, the bike is so new to me, I don’t even know the names of parts yet!  Hahaha!  So… to recap, less than 24 hours of buying a motorbike and I’ve already cracked it.  Seriously?!  The damage is truly minimal, since my pride took the biggest hit, but it sure does make for an embarrassing story to have to tell people when they ask what happened.  Ugh.

Coming back to the house after that, I was honestly terrified (and frustrated) to get back on the motorbike.  I started to make my way back into the house, retreating in complete embarrassment of what had happened.  Thinking I’ll likely never live this down.  But as I was climbing up my front steps, I began to think about what these past two days have been like.  You know, just mentally battling to find some energy, to live with joy, to push past feelings that lie to us anyway.  And I paused, sat down on the step and just stared at my motorbike thinking, “Kristy, you can do this.  In fact, I think you have to.”  If it sounds dramatic, it felt that way too!  Haha!  But really, I was physically shaken up a bit and certainly was mentally.  I wanted to retreat inside and pretend it hadn’t happened, only I have a crack in my motorbike frame to remind me that it did.  So after about a minute of sitting there just staring at it, I decided to go back out and ride for a little bit more - giving myself permission to feel awkward, afraid, and a little wobbly but telling myself that even in the midst of those feelings, I needed to just figure it out and have a little confidence.

The ride out the second time around was incredibly imperfect.  I didn’t topple over or hit anything (except for almost taking out that stupid little dog that started chasing my tires) but I’m sure it looked ridiculous how slow I went around the turns and how much I kept testing out accelerating then stopping.  But imperfect as it was, and terrifying as it was, I’m learning, and I’m further along now than I was just leaving the motorbike sitting in my driveway.

So what am I getting at here?  Why take the time to literally lay out in detail what these past almost 36 hours have looked like?  Well, I don’t know, I mean, it’s more for me than it is for anyone reading this.  Maybe it’s just a laying down of some pride and insecurity and acknowledging I’m human and imperfect and life is messy and exhausting and that’s okay.  And maybe it is something someone else needs to hear too, to have permission to embrace the imperfect days and imperfect selves that we are and we have!

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately listening to, reading, and focusing on things and stories that inspire.  Whether it’s watching videos on Navy SEALS training where people are literally being pushed to their limits and then realizing the limits they thought they had, they can push further past.  Or reading a book on the same topic written by a former Navy SEAL who talks about what pushing through, working in team, and pursuing after a goal really looks like.  Or even watching a documentary on Netflix (yep, I like documentaries) on a group of women who row across the Pacific Ocean and seeing (and feeling) the struggle that it is and yet the incredible reward of the journey.  It’s just a theme, I guess, of my life right now.  And something I truly believe, for me, the Lord is speaking into.

The quote at the very start of the documentary I watched was simply, “You can never cross an ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”  It’s not the first time I’ve heard it.  I’ve known it to be a popular quote once said by Christopher Columbus.  Yet it was the statement at the end of the documentary (spoiler alert) by one of the women that struck me.  Repeating back that famous quote she said, “To me now it means, whatever the shore is next time, not to be afraid to row away from it.”

Life has handed me plenty of experiences (especially in these past 6 or so years) that have been a struggle to push through.  I still remember the day I packed my bags to go live in Kenya for a year, serving at a home for abandoned babies.  I didn’t fully understand on that day what I was saying “yes” to and how hard it would truly be.  But aside from a big move across the world, life has been filled with moments of saying “yes” to things that are far bigger than I realize or far more taxing on my mental, emotional, and even physical state than I enjoy.  And yet, each time I’m reminded of the very simple fact that I said “yes” when I could’ve easily said “no”.  And so what will I do with that “yes” I’ve said?  I mean, what would life look like if we just decided to give up at every “off day” we have or exhausting moment we experience?

Days here in Thailand (just as they are wherever you find yourself) are imperfect.  There are situations beyond my control.  There are restless nights leaving me with mornings of feeling sleep deprived and exhausted.  There are languages, customs, moments and people I don’t understand.  There are countless things I don’t know how to do, and it would be really easy for me to just stop right there and want to give up on it all or find an easier way out, an easier job to do, an easier way to live.  Yet, at the same time, I think that’d be one of the most difficult things to do - living with this feeling of “I gave up on that because I thought it was too hard” or this feeling of “what if I would’ve stuck that out?”

I’m so imperfect at this journey.  I’m just a normal human being like everyone else - I get tired, I get frustrated, I want to give up sometimes.  And just like every other human being, I have to choose today to see things differently, to keep moving anyway, to take a step forward even if it’s a small one, to push past whatever limits I may think I have.  I’m thankful to be where I am, to do what I get to do.  I wouldn’t trade it.  And to be honest, I need days like these days.  Days that remind me to push through, to choose to see and think differently beyond what’s right in front of me.  Days that challenge me to question whose strength I’m truly leaning on, and days that challenge how vulnerable I’m truly willing to be.

So, today, I’m pressing in.  I’m pushing through the heat, the exhaustion, the emotional rawness and leaning in all the more, putting one foot in front of the other, looking past the fatigue and choosing to see the possibility.

As Emily Dickinson once said, “I dream in possibilities.”  I don’t know what tomorrow is bringing with it, but I imagine it will be a day that, just like every other, will test my resolve.  A day where I will get to choose joy or frustration, trust or fear, “can do” or “can’t”.  But regardless, it will be a day of possibilities, and I’m choosing to see and embrace each one.