Heaven's Releasing

I've always prayed for the Lord to speak to me in visions and dreams.  There's something so intriguing to me about it... something so powerful.  I think I can count on one hand the number of times this has actually happened.  But just because it's not through a vision or dream, does not mean the Lord doesn't speak to me - that I don't somehow know His voice.  In fact, quite the opposite.

I love words.  I always have.  I dream about writing a book someday.  I love telling story, writing it out for others to read and experience.  I've always prayed that my words would be encouraging, life-giving, and that they would allow others to step into and truly understand the very things I write about.  I love the power of words to do just that - to open us up to world's we've never been to ourselves, to struggles we've never walked through... and to experience it through the way it is shared.  Words are powerful.  And I've come to know that in a whole new way because it's through very specific words or phrases the Lord most often speaks to me.

Two things the Lord has been speaking to me this year (well, plenty more than that, but two very specific words/phrases).  But I don't think the words are only for me.  So my prayer is that for those of you who are reading this now, the Lord will speak to you, encourage you, affirm in you, and even challenge you in the words He wants you to take away from this.

RELEASE.

Coming into 2018, this word seemed to be the only one on my mind.  And not only in my mind, but a word I felt like the Lord impressed upon my spirit.  "Kristy, this year will be a year of release."  If you're confused by that, so was I, and I've spent the past 2.5 months of this year processing through it.

2017 was a tough year and also a really good year.  It was powerful yet also an incredible struggle.  Law changes in Thailand created some real turmoil for us trying to do the work we felt the Lord had called us here to do.  Seasons of loneliness came on thick.  Questions of "God, why am I here?" began to surface.  It's not some picture perfect life we're living over here or some elaborate vacation in the sun.  But in everything we were coming up against, the word we felt the Lord had spoken over 2017 was one of "breakthrough".  And we were seeing it in ways we weren't expecting.  But why was it so hard?  Turns out... breaking through stuff is pretty difficult to do sometimes.  (Duh Kristy, should've seen that coming!)  Wow, just thinking through some of the past year makes me feel a little mentally exhausted.

So heading into 2018, I really began asking the Lord what He wanted to say about it.  I'm not big on new year's resolutions, but I am one to pray and ask the Lord for a word He wants to speak over the year ahead.  The word I began hearing... "release".  Release what?  Release the anxiety, the exhaustion, the stress that had built up over the turmoil of 2017?  Release something else I'm holding onto that I'm not even sure what it is?  Release dreams, expectations, hopes for my future?  Release fear?  Release what?  Honestly, it's a hearty "yes and amen" to each of those things, but I felt like the word release was not only about a posture the Lord wanted me to take up but also about one He wanted to return.

I truly believe with every bit of my heart this year will be a year of release - of seeing the Lord release things to us in unprecedented ways... things we've hoped for, dreamed for, prayed for, waited for.  I believe heaven wants to release blessings over us and through us in ways we can't even begin to imagine.  Release.

And here we are 2.5 months into the new year and we're already experiencing so much of this!  There aren't words enough to describe it!  The Lord has been releasing connections, deeper relationships, resources, finances, community, and so much more!  I can't even do it justice!  It's been unbelievable and yet still unbelievably hard.  It seems with every release of blessing we're met by some kind of resistance - strange dreams, restless sleep, physical & mental exhaustion, muddled minds, more changing laws, etc.  But release is happening and there is more to come!!!

Alongside this word "release" is a phrase the Lord continues to place on my heart... "prepare the fields".  There's a position the Lord is asking us to take up.  We have to get ourselves ready to receive the blessing, the release that's coming.  Otherwise, where will it go?  Where will it land if there's no room for it anywhere or if we're ill-prepared to handle it?  The Lord wants to release His blessings, but He's a good God and He's not going to release something we're not prepared to handle.  So "prepare the fields"... make ready a space for the blessings you're asking the Lord for.  It's an act of trust - of believing the release is coming and of positioning yourself to fully receive it.  In the words of a sweet and sassy 2 year old friend of mine... "Come on!"

Then He said to His disciples, "The harvest is plentiful but the workers are few" (Matthew 9:37a).

Lord grant us courage, strength and discipline to be the workers you've called us to be in reaping the harvest you have promised!

Empty Boats

Every time I come back to the border of Thailand and Myanmar, I’m struck by something different.  I still remember that day in 2014 when I visited Thailand for the first time and was brought down to the border and introduced to No Man’s Land - a place that is not Myanmar, a place that is not Thailand.  I still remember looking out on this small riverbed with clapboard huts made of cardboard, sheet metal, mud and other scraps.  I remember seeing plastic grocery bags stretched out over scarce vegetation, filling in the holes of this organic roof, trying to create protection from the rain.  I remember hearing the stories of what goes on here.  Stories of boat loads of girls being trafficked across the river under the cover of darkness.  Stories of drugs, black market sales, and gangs.  Stories of violence, of hopelessness, stories rooted in fear.  This was a place that wrecked me, a place where Jesus broke me, a place His voice echoed loudly in my head but also deep within my soul.  I remember looking out under the Friendship Bridge that stretches high above the river connecting Thailand to Myanmar, and I remember seeing a strategically placed shack below - protected by the bridge from some of the sun and rain.  I remember because it was there I took one photo, the same one I’ve carried in my Bible since that day.  Planted firmly in the book of Luke, the photo sits as a reminder of what the Lord spoke that day…

“Whoever would come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross daily and follow me.  For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.” (Luke 9:23-24)

Inscribed there on the back of this photo I’d written these words, “I have counted the cost and I will seek after God with all my heart.”  At the time, it was a truth I was desperately trying to pursue, and one that I did not fully understand.  A teachable moment and place I would revisit time and time again through that photo.

A year later, I was wrestling and restless, feeling the Lord’s pull to go but uncertain what my destination was.  I had dreams, visions, and big ideas, yet God was bringing me back to a place of surrender, asking me if I’d be willing to lay even those things down.  And these were good things, Kingdom-sized dreams and hopes.  But there I was, flipping through the pages of my Bible purposefully in search of the scripture the Lord had laid on my heart - “deny yourself, Kristy.”  And there it was, the photo from No Man’s Land with words I had written on the back that I’d forgotten about… “Called to the ‘No Man’s Land’s’ of the World.”  A reminder, a promise, a truth from the Father of where my life was headed and what my life was for.  That moment reminded my soul of the same call I carry inside me still: my heart is for the outcast, the broken, the unknown - those places that people seldom see and those people whom no one really knows; they hold my heart.  And in my wrestling that day, God confirmed it through a simple photo taken along the border of a land that belonged to no one.

In the year that followed, I revisited that photo at least a dozen times.  Two of those times left the back of the photo filled with more words from the Father.  That April of 2015, I knew the Lord was asking me to leave the position I held at my church, but the scary thing was, I didn’t know what was going to replace it.  I wasn’t sensing any clear direction from the Lord and it seemed crazy to me that I would give up my position for such an unknown.  I wrestled with the Lord on it and walked away with one phrase also inscribed now on the back of that photo… “In your care for the outcast, you will risk becoming an outcast yourself.”  I can’t really explain it, but I’m so thankful for what the Lord spoke that day.  For me, it was a moment of the Lord affirming those fears and insecurities that had been welling up within me.  He saw them.  He knew them well.  It felt like the craziest idea to consider putting an end date on my steady job at the church, which I knew how to do.  I felt like it would be misunderstood by others and worried people would think I was making a mistake.  After all, how was I going to answer the questions that would come?  “So Kristy, you’re moving on from NMC to go where?”  What was my response going to be?  “I have no idea yet?!”  But that phrase the Lord spoke, though it may not sound very positive, gave me such a peace I can’t explain.  There was something so powerful in the Lord confirming all the fears that had been swelling, something so powerful in Him agreeing this would be a risk to take, a cost to count.  I’d love to say that was the day I put an end date on my time at my job but it wasn’t.  That cost looked so big to me, and I was unsure about paying it.  But months later, yes MONTHS, though the cost hadn’t changed any, something in my spirit had.  And suddenly something that had caused so many sleepless nights and had raised up so many fears within me… suddenly it felt worth it.  Nothing had changed as far as a secure next step but this moment was marked by a truth I thought I had stumbled upon but really the Lord purposefully led me to.  A truth now also written on the back of that photo: “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in You.  Trust in the LORD forever, for the LORD, the LORD himself, is the Rock eternal.” (Isaiah 26:3-4). Peace washed over me in a way I can’t explain when I finally put an end date on my season at my church.  Though that date was over 9.5 months away, a commitment to complete the school year I’d just begun with the students, there was such a peace in not knowing where I would be or what I would do when the school year was finished.

It was a peace that would carry me back to the border of Thailand and Myanmar, nearly two years later as I sit here in this spot once again recounting the journey.  I’ve lived here now for one year with no end date in mind.  And in a place of so much brokenness, desperation, hopelessness and wreckage, I have such a peace.  This place has changed me, probably more than I know, or maybe it’s simply that it’s brought to life a part of me that always existed but I never fully embraced until now.

The hopelessness is still seen here along the border.  It shows itself in the kids wondering the streets all day digging through the garbage collecting plastics rather than sitting in a classroom.  It shows itself in the faces of the mamas, their eyes heavy with exhaustion as they struggle to provide for their families one day at a time.  It shows itself in the disheartening stories and statistics I continue to hear about trafficking, prostitution, forced labor, and discrimination.  Some days, the feeling of hopelessness is overwhelming.  Some days I sit along the border and watch through the cracks of a clapboard house on stilts two kids swinging on a ragged old hammock seemingly unaware of a world full of opportunities just beyond their reach.  Some days I’m approached by a little boy, no more than five, dressed in rags and covered in dirt, hands folded beneath his chin as he begs me for money.  And on this particular day, I sit looking out over the river staring at the empty boats tied up along the side.  And it’s a moment that brings a million different questions to my mind.  “Jesus, what am I doing here?  What are you doing here?  What difference are we making?  And how can we make more of one?”  These and a million other questions daily swarm around in my brain.

And then, some days I stand laughing in my kitchen with four beautiful young women and friends as we make pasta together and cut vegetables.  Some days we laugh till we cry as we sit and play uno together for an hour and a half.  Some days we sweat together as we help a young woman and her husband move and settle into their new future home together, and my heart soars as I see her independence and confidence grow.  Some days I’m encouraged as I sit in a room full of kids and youth and hear them share about what the Lord is teaching them.  Some days I get to spend hours in a nearby village laughing, sharing, and praying with a church full of strong, incredible and beautiful women.  And those are moments that remind me Jesus is doing far more than I can see.

Today I added a new photo to my Bible, another reminder of what the Lord is speaking.  The front of the photo holds the laughter and smiles of young women I have grown to know and love, women the Lord has continued to use to deeply influence and impact my life.  And it's fitting that the words visible in the background of the photo are simply “Influence. Be braverly.”  Yet it’s the words now written on the back that are filling me with such a confidence as I walk with the Lord in this season.  A promise of truth from the Father I’m committed to carry not only in my Bible but in my heart and mind…

“The LORD will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.  Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins and will raise up the age-old foundations; you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls, Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.” (Isaiah 58:11-12)

I’m so thankful for that image of empty boats along the border and for countless other images and moments that have brought me back to the Father, laying down my questions at His feet.  Because it’s in those moments His truth runs so rich in my life, reminding me how He is at work in every moment… guiding me, always.

Take Courage

It's funny when things come full circle.  You know, those moments when it dawns on you that the lesson you're learning is something that was spoken into you, over you, or that you yourself shared months, sometimes even years before... and then that same lesson comes back around and you sit and think, "huh...I needed that reminder."  This week has been a full circle kind of week.  Let me backtrack...

So one year ago at this exact time, I was in the midst of packing up my bags and, quite literally, my life and getting ready to make the move to Thailand.  For how long?  I honestly didn't really know.  I'm still not sure, but that's beside the point.  It was very much a season where the words I was clinging onto were "Take Courage".  Things were about to change and had already changed in a big way.  I was no longer working at my job of 11 years at my home church.  I was no longer living in my apartment and had sold or given away most of my "stuff".  And I was getting ready to relocate halfway across the globe.  If that's not a change, I'm not sure what is!  Yet over and through it all, the phrase I was holding onto was "Take Courage".  I knew God was very much in the midst of it all.  In fact, He'd been the one orchestrating it.  He redirected my focus from Africa to Thailand.  He led me into the conversations that confirmed this was the place He wanted me to be.  He gave me such an incredible peace about putting an end date on my time of working at my home church.  He did it all, time and time again, each step of the way.  So there I was doing my best to take courage.

Fast forward to about 6 months into my time here, we had a visiting team who had come to serve alongside us.  The Sunday this team was with us was my Sunday to share at church.  We have a speaking rotation among the Outpour Staff with our Sunday church service we do at The Refuge, and it just so happened that I was up.  Praying into the time, I sensed the Lord wanting me to share on the story of Peter in Matthew 14, you know, the one where Jesus calls him out of the boat to walk on water.  What struck me most about that particular passage is what the disciples knew Jesus by.  There in verse 27 was the phrase, the one Jesus had been speaking into my life 6 months prior... But Jesus immediately said to them: "Take courage! It is I. Don't be afraid."

In case the story is unfamiliar to you, the disciples had been with Jesus as He was speaking to the crowds that had gathered and after He had finished speaking, He sent the disciples ahead of Him in a boat across the lake.  The story goes on to say the boat was a considerable distance from land and was being pushed along by the wind and the waves.  So Jesus, being Jesus, went walking out onto the water to go to where the disciples were.  Totally normal thing to do.  And His disciples looked out across the water and saw someone walking on top of it toward them.  Beginning to freak out, they cried out in fear saying "it's a ghost!"  And then verse 27 happens.  And what struck me is that Jesus never said, "Take courage, it's me, Jesus!"  He simply said, "Take courage! It is I."  No other explanation was needed because if there is one thing the disciples associated with Jesus, one thing they knew to be true of Him, it was "take courage".  How many times had they been with Jesus up to that point and heard Him talk about "do not be afraid," "have faith," "stand firm", "take heart", "do not worry", "blessed are you who do not fall away on account of me"?  Jesus was all about courage!  He'd spoken that into their lives over and over, so when they heard this "ghost" out on the water calling out to them "Take Courage", they didn't have to question whether it was Jesus!

I shared from that story on that particular morning sensing it was a word specifically for that team, yet knowing it was a reminder I needed as well as I continued to embrace each day here... "take courage, Kristy, take courage."

Well fast forward once again to this week, and specifically today, the song that I've caught myself singing under my breath as I've been running errands throughout town on my motorbike is "Take Courage" by Bethel.

Slow down, take time
Breath in He said
He'd reveal what's to come
The thoughts in His mind
Always higher than mine
He'll reveal all to come

Take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He's in the waiting, He's in the waiting
Hold onto your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He's never failing, He's never failing

Sing praise my soul
Find strength in joy
Let His Words lead you on
Do not forget
His great faithfulness
He'll finish all He's begun

So take courage my heart
Stay steadfast my soul
He's in the waiting, He's in the waiting
Hold onto your hope
As your triumph unfolds
He's never failing, He's never failing

I didn't plan on that being the song in my head all day today, in fact, it caught me off guard when I realized I was singing it.  And then came that full circle moment of all those times this past year the Lord has been speaking those words to me "Take Courage".

This has been a different season in ministry here.  Things are shifting and changing in good ways and in some "growing pains" kind of ways, but Jesus is in it all.  There are often circumstances we feel ill-equipped to handle and most times we have more questions than we have answers, yet Jesus sees it all, knows it all better than we ever could.  And today I've been reminded of how He is calling out "Take Courage".

I can be an excellent worrier sometimes.  Not that I'm one who spends my time crying out "the sky is falling!"  But I can often times get caught up in worrying over the details of "how are you gonna do this God?"  Or "what can I do or do I need to do to see this accomplished?"  And a million other questions similar to those.  And today, I sense the Lord simply saying once again, "take courage, Kristy, I'm here."  I don't have to know the "how".  I don't have to have a perfect formula or flawless plan - because those things don't exist.  Plans fail, formulas change, and circumstances beyond our control are inevitable, but Jesus doesn't fail and He doesn't change and as He calls us to take courage we can trust Him and hold fast to His Word.

When All You Can Do Is Pray

“I just don’t know what I can do… I mean, I guess I can pray” - ever used or thought of a statement similar to that?  I know I have.  “I guess I can pray.”  How often do I think of prayer in that way?

“The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective… it avails much” (James 5:16).  I could rattle off a number of verses similar to this one, verses of how effective our prayers are, how we are to pray continually, how we are to be faithful in prayer, where two or more are gathered the Lord is there, and on and on.  All great verses, but how often do I actually live them out?  Why is it that prayer is often seen as a last resort or leaves us with the feeling that we’re not really doing anything at all?

“The prayer of a righteous man is POWERFUL and EFFECTIVE… IT AVAILS MUCH.”

Far too often, I fail to see what prayer truly does.  I’ve seen the Lord answer prayer, and in some pretty incredible ways.  And I’ve certainly heard countless stories of crazy things the Lord has done as a result of praying people.  And yet, I still struggle to get there, to maintain and heart and mind bent on prayer - constant communion with the Father.

There’s a passage in 2 Chronicles 7:14 that’s not a new concept to me, in fact, it’s one of the most quoted verses on prayer I’ve heard.  But as I’ve been reading back over it again and again, I’ve been struck by the posture of the people praying.

“If my people, who are called by my name, will HUMBLE THEMSELVES and pray…”

Maybe we struggle so much with prayer because it requires us to lay ourselves down at the feet of Jesus.  Maybe we struggle because it means surrendering time, effort, and our attention.  Maybe we struggle because we don’t know the “right words” or how to pray.  How often does my pride or selfishness get in the way of the power I have been given, the authority I have received in prayer?  How often can I not get myself past the “humble themselves” part of praying?  How often do I make it a time issue or see it as somewhat of an inconvenience to my life?  Or how often do I not pray because of my own brokenness from moments of feeling as though I’ve been praying and no answers have come?

There are a lot of reasons I can think of that I don’t pray as I should or as I’m called to.  But what I fail so often to realize is the greatest gift of prayer is communion with the Father.  Prayer is a beautiful invitation to come to the feet of Jesus and just be with Him.  Setting aside whatever requests or burdens I'm carrying, prayer is most simply about being with Jesus.  And that’s who I want to be with.  That’s who I want to do life with.  That’s my sweet spot, the place that when I’m there I feel most alive, most content, most accepted, most filled, most at peace, most in awe.  And when I take the time to humble myself and get there, I’m reminded of those very things and it’s beautiful!

I long to be a person of prayer - one who runs to the Father not as a last resort but because with the Father is simply where I want to be.  There is much I’m crying out to the Father for - for peace in Myanmar, for direction and discernment as we as a ministry grow and move forward, for rest or better yet learning how to rest well, for our team and those the Lord still wants to bring in, for future relationships and family, for more platforms to see Jesus lifted high, for those we get to serve here in Mae Sot and how the Lord longs for their hearts, and the list could go on and on!  But most of all, I just want more of Jesus.  I want to be where He is.  I want to know more of His heart and more of His character.  I want to experience more of His love, His peace, and His freedom.  I want to know Him and for others to know Him.

I can think of no better reason to humble myself in prayer than that I get to be with Jesus and pray for the hearts of others to know Him too.

What Are You Doing?

Being here in Thailand now for nearly 11 months, this place has felt more and more like home with each passing day.  Honestly, it didn’t take long for that to happen - but I guess that’s the beautiful thing about it all.  You see, I get to do life with some of the most incredible people - people who share dreams similar to mine, whose hearts are for bringing Kingdom wherever they go, and who simply are who they are.  It’s not hard to love a place that also contains such amazing people!

Often times I get the question, “so what does Outpour Movement do?”, to which I sometimes struggle to find a simple answer for beyond just the words, a lot!  But the reality is, Outpour Movement is so much more than just one thing.  It’s a ministry, a family, focused on addressing the unacceptable realities faced by those who transcend the Thai/Myanmar border, and Outpour is seeking to come alongside people to bring hope, peace, opportunity, transformation, and ultimately Jesus & Kingdom!  Within Outpour is a team of incredible people with God-given dreams and passions, all working together pursuing after Kingdom but going about it in their own unique ways.  So, what does Outpour do?

We operate two training centers, Famous Ray’s Restaurant and Braverly Bicycle Shop Cafe, each focusing on the training and equipping of young men and women in skills of cooking, baking, culinary arts, food and product development, sewing, business management, accounting, customer service, and more.  Many of our trainees have dreams of one day opening up their own businesses, restaurants, clothing stores, etc.  We seek to empower those dreams by teaching them the skills needed to see them become a reality.

Outpour also has a men’s discipleship home, Soul Space, focusing on the care and investment into the lives of young men - teaching them what it means to be a man, how to save & invest their money wisely, what it means to walk in integrity, and building community.  Many of the young men who have come through Soul Space have been a part of our Famous Ray’s training center at one time.

Seeds is yet another ministry of Outpour, developed around an idea from the Mexican Proverb, “They tried to bury us.  They didn’t know we were seeds.”  The heart of Seeds is to see youth invested in and raised up with confidence and skills to know they can change a nation, their nation.  Focusing within a classroom setting, Seeds will seek to teach graphic arts, computer programming/coding, photography, art, dance, and more through the creative process.

Hosting teams, interns, and other visitors is another heartbeat of Outpour.  Whether it’s World Race or Passport Teams through Adventures in Missions, hosting church teams, or inviting individuals out to join us for our internship program, Outpour is constantly opening up their doors and inviting others to “come and see” what the Lord is doing here!  We seek to build a community not only here in Thailand but around the world of individuals who will help carry the vision forward.  We recognize that alone we may go fast but together we can go far!

Two other developing facets of ministry Outpour has their hands in is Border/Burma ministry and a future Emergency Transitional Shelter(s).  There is incredible need within both branches of ministry.  Border/Burma ministry is focussing on coming alongside a young local pastor in the community who has a dream of planting over a hundred churches in Burma.  Alongside him, we are developing relationships with those across the border in nearby villages, seeking to establish friendship, learn stories, see needs and work to meet them.  We seek to take the gospel to the places the Lord leads us and to see churches planted and villages transformed by the grace of Jesus.  The future Emergency Transitional Shelter(s) will serve as a refuge for babies who have been abandoned as well as housing at risk children and battered women in another location.  The desire is to give them a place to be cared for, to learn who and whose they are, and embrace love within a family structure until they can be placed into their local forever family.

So as you can now see, it’s a pretty fitting answer to the question when I simply say the words “a lot” as to what Outpour Movement does.  But the overarching goal of it all is simply JESUS.  We seek to live and breathe Jesus in this place.  We seek to be Spirit-led in the places we go and in the things we do.  We seek to see Kingdom and bring Kingdom with us wherever we go.  There’s a prayer, or better yet a battle cry, that was written by several who were a part of the Outpour Team nearly 4 years ago when they were first starting out - a prayer that has now become the mantra we carry and weekly cry out together as a team.  It sums up better than I ever could why we are here and what we hope to accomplish…

Our Father, our King we thank and praise You,

Your holiness is evident and moves us to worship You.

Prepare us this day, battle ready.

Prepare the earth

For our willing hands and footsteps,

Bless the feet of the bearers of the Word.

Bless this land with the fullness of Your salvation,

From the lowest to the highest,

From those lost in darkness to those walking in the full light of day.

May we look more like You.

In unison we break down strongholds

May we bear Your reflection

We embrace the power of Jesus and His blood

Which frees us from all sin.

We move outward from this foundation.

Send us into the darkness that we may bring the light of Jesus.

Drinking from the same cup, 

We are commissioned to heal the sick, raise the dead, cast out demons,

Give sight to the blind and legs to the lame, and to set the captive free.

May we move with audacious love into the frontier places.

Use us to bring redemption as the ruins are being restored.

We believe, have faith, and have seen Your power and glory.

We love because You love.

We give because You give. 

We move because You move.

We go because You go.

We will go out with joy and be led forth in peace.

We go with hope, passion, and desire as You ignite the nations.

Our heartbeat and prayer is for those words to reach beyond Thailand, beyond our Outpour team.  We desire to see every person walking in faith and in favor, reaching every corner of every nation with the love of Jesus and boldly living out the passions and dreams He has given.  May you who read this today love because He has loved you, give because He has given to you, move because He has moved in you, and go because He has gone before you.

God of this City

Last night, I found myself sitting among a circle of over 50 youth, tucked away under an overcast sky, sitting in the shell of the future Seeds space listening to the most beautiful sound.  You see, the third Saturday of each month, we pull together all the youth from The Refuge children's home, New Jerusalem and several others to come together in a night of worship, praise and testimony.

For those of you who don't know, this would be the perfect time for me to tell you that Seeds is a space that will serve to empower the dreams of youth.  A space that will focus on teaching students art, design, computer coding, photography, dance, fitness, and more, Seeds is based on the Mexican Proverb, "They tried to bury us.  They didn't know we were seeds."  That's is exactly what Seeds is all about... seeing the youth of this nation come together to recognize their undeniable value and worth, empowered with a voice that will rock the nations, united in understanding that they are future and their dreams are possible!  It is within the shell of this space under construction that we gathered to worship last night.  And it is in this space that I was awed by God once again.

As the guitar was being strummed and the youth began to sing out, I quickly found myself speechless at the familiar song they began to sing.  "You're the God of this city.  You're the king of these people.  You're the Lord of this nation.  You are.  You're the light in this darkness.  You're the hope to the hopeless.  You're the peace to the restless.  You are.  There is no one like our God.  There is no one like our God."

I don't know if you remember, but "God of this City" made it big all around the world years ago when Chris Tomlin adapted the original song and debuted an album with it.  It's a powerful song with an even more powerful declaration, yet imagine hearing the song sung by locals in the nation where it was first written.

Years ago an Irish band named Bluetree was on a small mission team in Pattaya, just over 11 hours south of Mae Sot.  Built up around the sex industry, the town was a hub for prostitution, lady boys, and trafficking.  Looking for another gig for their band to play, they made a deal with a local hot spot called "Climax Bar", essentially a brothel.  The deal was they would get two hours to play if they brought 30 Christians with them who would all buy Coca-Cola since it was more expensive than alcohol and the bar would make more money.  So they did and 20 minutes into their set, they began wondering what to do next having already done every worship song they knew.  The group began to go into a time of free worship and in those moments, the lyrics to "God of this City" were born.  Surrounded by prostitution, trafficking, brokenness and darkness, the Lord began to speak these powerful words over that place through a group of guys who were available to be used by Him and to see the places and the people He saw.

So fast forward to last night.  I've heard that song easily a hundred times.  I've declared it over people and places I've traveled.  It's powerful declaration has brought me to my knees for others countless times.  Yet there was something so different about hearing it from the lips of nationals in the country it was birthed.  Jesus is the Lord of Pattaya just as much as He is the Lord of Mae Sot.  He's the light to every darkness and the hope to every nation.  And I believe right alongside the youth who sang last night over this place that,

"Greater things have yet to come and greater things are still to be done in this city!"

The imperfect days of imperfect me...

6:00 a.m. and I found myself awake yesterday morning, which is not such an unusual time for me to be up.  My alarm had not yet gone off, set for 6:10.  You know those moments when you rustle awake minutes before your alarm and it feels like a great injustice, like you’ve somehow been deprived of hours of precious sleep?  Well, yesterday felt like that.  Laying there for a few extra moments, my brain began running through the day ahead.  “What do I need to work on today?  Can I just take the morning off?  Is it really time to start another day?  It’s so hot out, I would give anything just to stay inside, turn on the aircon and watch a good movie.”  A few more moments later, “okay Kristy, get up and get to it!”

Quite literally rolling out of bed, I managed to swing my feet under me with just enough time to keep the rest of me from face planting onto the floor.  Everything felt exhausting.  Trying to wrap my head around what I was doing, I began to get ready for my morning kickboxing routine.  Jillian Michaels on DVD at 6:10 in the morning is sometimes motivating and other times, well, I just want to throw my computer up against the wall!  After all, I was already sweating from the humidity that had rolled in thick into my room from the outside, did I really need to add to it by throwing punches, kicks, and enduring what felt like an endless regime of sit-ups and push-ups?  Ugh…

With the workout done and sweat pouring off my body creating a small puddle on the floor (gross, I know), I laid back on the hard floorboards wishing for my never-ending “to do” list to be done.  Working out is supposed to give you endorphins, right?  Endorphins make you happy and give energy, yes?  Something was clearly lacking!!!  The heat of the day was already beginning to feel like too much and I hadn’t even stepped foot outside my house yet!  Oh geez, here we go!

You know, to go back and read all of that, I’m kind of exhausted.  But don’t some days feel just like that?  Ever have those moments when you want to throw in the towel before you’ve even pulled it off the shelf yet?  Fast forward through the rest of my morning routine, I got showered, got ready and finally began to make my way on bicycle downtown.  Knowing I’d be a sweaty mess in a matter of seconds, I gave up quickly on trying to dry my hair and get it looking decent for the day - pulled back in a bun with humidity frizzing it out of control is what I like to call the look I was rocking yesterday.  It mattered little to me as sweat began covering my forehead as I pedaled.  Finally making it to Bravery, the Bicycle Shop Cafe training center I spend much of my time at, not even ten minutes had passed upon my arrival when…power outage, town wide.  What is happening?!  What are these days that feel so relentless in their start?  What is the lesson here???  Cause that’s the first thing we do when things go “wrong”, right?  “God, what are you trying to teach me here?”  But whose to say this day was going “wrong”?  Maybe it’s just a day that was going different than I expected it to.

On my ride in and even after I arrived at Braverly, I put in my headphones to play some worship music.  I was trying hard to get my head in a different space.  But to be honest, I wasn’t feeling it.  If anything, it felt like more work to try and get my head lifted up into a different space, a different perspective.  I didn’t want to mess with it, I literally just wanted to turn around, go back home and crawl back into bed.  That may sound downright depressing to read, but I’m just being raw and honest here.  Not every day comes easy or looks perfect.  No matter where you’re at in the world, these days just happen.  These days where everything feels hard or exhausting.  These days where all you want to do is lay out in a hammock under a cool shade tree with a mango smoothie and Netflix (dang that sounds amazing right now).  These days where you don’t want to have to think about or do anything.  These days where your emotions feel on edge because you’re brain is too exhausted to keep them in check.  These days where it would be so easy to adopt the mindset of “I don’t care” with every decision that needs made or project that needs done.

I’d love to tell you the day was totally redeemed yesterday, that I picked myself up, shook off the tired and exhausted feelings and emotions, and got done everything I wanted to.  But that’s just not how the day went.  It was an okay day overall.  I mean, I spent time getting some work done.  I went motorbike shopping with a few of my teammates and actually made a purchase!  (Yep, I own a motorbike).  And I settled in for a quiet evening at home.  But all day long, my head was simply not in it - my emotions felt raw and worn out, and the day just kind of drug on.

So today, I was determined to take a different approach.  It being my day off, I decided to focus in on things that were going to re-energize me, speak purpose over me, and really just breath life.  And while my head may have been in a better space, let me tell you of the twists and turns!

My body feeling exhausted, I couldn’t bring myself to do my morning workout.  All fine and good.  I don’t mind missing out on one day of my routine.  But follow that up with an unexpected house visit and things began to get interesting.  As it turns out, my landlord has been showing the house we’re currently living in to others (nothing too unusual there).  Well, today, the couple whose been looking at the house stopped by to inform me that she just sold it to them and they’re hoping to move in soon.  Wow… okay, not what I expected on this day.  Still, it’s fine, Jesus is in this and I’ve no doubt He will provide.  So, continuing on with the day, I decided to watch a few videos on how to drive a motorbike (you know, since I bought one but don’t know how to drive it yet) and then decided to go outside and give it a go.  I recognize that to some of you, that may sound crazy and like an awful idea.  And obviously there’s an element of being wise not stupid in going about this.  But I live in a quiet neighborhood and planned to just take it slow, getting used to the bike beneath me.  And starting off it went fantastic.  I felt a bit wobbly and was fighting back some fear, but overall my ride was smooth.  Then it was about my third turn in that I lost my balance sending myself and the motorbike toppling over.  And this wouldn’t have even been so bad except that when I went to pick it back up, I didn’t think about the fact that my right hand grabbed the accelerator sending the bike lunging forward with me not even on it!  Oh if you could see how red my face is even typing that here.  What an incredibly embarrassing moment and certainly a shot to my pride.  And to top it all off, I cracked the front part of my motorbike (the covering over part of my front tire).  You see, the bike is so new to me, I don’t even know the names of parts yet!  Hahaha!  So… to recap, less than 24 hours of buying a motorbike and I’ve already cracked it.  Seriously?!  The damage is truly minimal, since my pride took the biggest hit, but it sure does make for an embarrassing story to have to tell people when they ask what happened.  Ugh.

Coming back to the house after that, I was honestly terrified (and frustrated) to get back on the motorbike.  I started to make my way back into the house, retreating in complete embarrassment of what had happened.  Thinking I’ll likely never live this down.  But as I was climbing up my front steps, I began to think about what these past two days have been like.  You know, just mentally battling to find some energy, to live with joy, to push past feelings that lie to us anyway.  And I paused, sat down on the step and just stared at my motorbike thinking, “Kristy, you can do this.  In fact, I think you have to.”  If it sounds dramatic, it felt that way too!  Haha!  But really, I was physically shaken up a bit and certainly was mentally.  I wanted to retreat inside and pretend it hadn’t happened, only I have a crack in my motorbike frame to remind me that it did.  So after about a minute of sitting there just staring at it, I decided to go back out and ride for a little bit more - giving myself permission to feel awkward, afraid, and a little wobbly but telling myself that even in the midst of those feelings, I needed to just figure it out and have a little confidence.

The ride out the second time around was incredibly imperfect.  I didn’t topple over or hit anything (except for almost taking out that stupid little dog that started chasing my tires) but I’m sure it looked ridiculous how slow I went around the turns and how much I kept testing out accelerating then stopping.  But imperfect as it was, and terrifying as it was, I’m learning, and I’m further along now than I was just leaving the motorbike sitting in my driveway.

So what am I getting at here?  Why take the time to literally lay out in detail what these past almost 36 hours have looked like?  Well, I don’t know, I mean, it’s more for me than it is for anyone reading this.  Maybe it’s just a laying down of some pride and insecurity and acknowledging I’m human and imperfect and life is messy and exhausting and that’s okay.  And maybe it is something someone else needs to hear too, to have permission to embrace the imperfect days and imperfect selves that we are and we have!

I’ve been spending a lot of time lately listening to, reading, and focusing on things and stories that inspire.  Whether it’s watching videos on Navy SEALS training where people are literally being pushed to their limits and then realizing the limits they thought they had, they can push further past.  Or reading a book on the same topic written by a former Navy SEAL who talks about what pushing through, working in team, and pursuing after a goal really looks like.  Or even watching a documentary on Netflix (yep, I like documentaries) on a group of women who row across the Pacific Ocean and seeing (and feeling) the struggle that it is and yet the incredible reward of the journey.  It’s just a theme, I guess, of my life right now.  And something I truly believe, for me, the Lord is speaking into.

The quote at the very start of the documentary I watched was simply, “You can never cross an ocean until you have the courage to lose sight of the shore.”  It’s not the first time I’ve heard it.  I’ve known it to be a popular quote once said by Christopher Columbus.  Yet it was the statement at the end of the documentary (spoiler alert) by one of the women that struck me.  Repeating back that famous quote she said, “To me now it means, whatever the shore is next time, not to be afraid to row away from it.”

Life has handed me plenty of experiences (especially in these past 6 or so years) that have been a struggle to push through.  I still remember the day I packed my bags to go live in Kenya for a year, serving at a home for abandoned babies.  I didn’t fully understand on that day what I was saying “yes” to and how hard it would truly be.  But aside from a big move across the world, life has been filled with moments of saying “yes” to things that are far bigger than I realize or far more taxing on my mental, emotional, and even physical state than I enjoy.  And yet, each time I’m reminded of the very simple fact that I said “yes” when I could’ve easily said “no”.  And so what will I do with that “yes” I’ve said?  I mean, what would life look like if we just decided to give up at every “off day” we have or exhausting moment we experience?

Days here in Thailand (just as they are wherever you find yourself) are imperfect.  There are situations beyond my control.  There are restless nights leaving me with mornings of feeling sleep deprived and exhausted.  There are languages, customs, moments and people I don’t understand.  There are countless things I don’t know how to do, and it would be really easy for me to just stop right there and want to give up on it all or find an easier way out, an easier job to do, an easier way to live.  Yet, at the same time, I think that’d be one of the most difficult things to do - living with this feeling of “I gave up on that because I thought it was too hard” or this feeling of “what if I would’ve stuck that out?”

I’m so imperfect at this journey.  I’m just a normal human being like everyone else - I get tired, I get frustrated, I want to give up sometimes.  And just like every other human being, I have to choose today to see things differently, to keep moving anyway, to take a step forward even if it’s a small one, to push past whatever limits I may think I have.  I’m thankful to be where I am, to do what I get to do.  I wouldn’t trade it.  And to be honest, I need days like these days.  Days that remind me to push through, to choose to see and think differently beyond what’s right in front of me.  Days that challenge me to question whose strength I’m truly leaning on, and days that challenge how vulnerable I’m truly willing to be.

So, today, I’m pressing in.  I’m pushing through the heat, the exhaustion, the emotional rawness and leaning in all the more, putting one foot in front of the other, looking past the fatigue and choosing to see the possibility.

As Emily Dickinson once said, “I dream in possibilities.”  I don’t know what tomorrow is bringing with it, but I imagine it will be a day that, just like every other, will test my resolve.  A day where I will get to choose joy or frustration, trust or fear, “can do” or “can’t”.  But regardless, it will be a day of possibilities, and I’m choosing to see and embrace each one.